one small step....

So....yes I am alive. NO exuse whatsoever on the whole blogging situation but here I go again, or at least a good solid attempt.

I wanted to share some news.....

I am now enrolled at Baylor University. YEAH! I decided I wanted to go back to school a while ago and with the support of Kevin I FINALLY got all my paperwork in. (nothing like procrastinating) It is very humbling this whole application process. I hate failing, at anything...scrabble, games, being a good mom/wife/nurse/friend, etc.... so the thought of putting myself out there at the risk of failing again was a challenge. So, anyways, my goal is to get a bachelor of arts degree in Spanish. Since working as a nurse I see a HUGE need in this department. At any given time I know and expect to be taking care of someone who speaks limited english and how am I supposed to effectively communicate with my patient if I can't even ask them basic questions such as "where does it hurt", "tell me more"....(for the record I have mastered some very important questions in spanish)

So my goal is to learn and to be fluent in spanish so that I can be the best nurse I can be, have more opprotunities ahead of me, and hopefully take this home to Kevin and Sloan. Also, noone will see this little white girl who is fluent in spanish coming at them....I'll take em all by surprise.

Sic 'em bears!

On to the next one....

So, betcha thought I was in a ditch somewhere since I haven't blogged in such a long time. :) Well, here I am and ready to share some recent activities and future ones as well. First of all, this summer has been (so far) very relaxing and fun! Sloan has spent 10 days with my parents while Kevin was in California. He was a part of his friends wedding in Visalia, then off to San Fran to see one of his college buddies and got to go see Alcatraz, go to a San Diego baseball game, eat at some fresh sea food joints, visit Amoeba records, and lots more!

Sloan and I are migrating north to Colorado next week for a week to see family and my cousin J'Lyn Chapman http://chinatown.usa.blogspot.com get hitched! I am very excited to go to Colorado for the following reasons:

1. see family
2. get the hell out of this Texas heat
3. whitewater rafting
4. the smells of Colorado, the sights...everything just about

Kevin will not be joining us, however I'll be sure to keep him updated on how much cooler it is up there, if not at least less humid. While Kevin was in Cali, he was telling me he was wearing his fleece during the day and how chilly it was near the bay, all the while I'm dying in Texas where its 100+ with 80% humidity- and no rain. payback baby.

One of my new goals is to participate in a race each month. So far I've done the Xterra race which was a 5k trail run, came 3rd in my age group and 11th overall for women and did my personal best at that time with at 12:36 min/mile. In June I did a 10k in a small town approximately 1.5 hours away Dublin, Texas where my PR stands at 10:21min/mile. I think it took me around 1 hour and 4 min to complete the 6 miles.

So whats next you ask?? Well, the day after my sister Kenda's wedding markandkenda.com is the TriWaco. If you're wondering if I've ever done one - the answer is emphatically NO. Kenda and her fiance Mark challenged and encouraged me to participate and so before I knew it, I signed up online and I'm not going to let $75 go down the drain. So I've been "training" for this triathlon for the past 2 months. I've really enjoyed 66% of the training, the running and biking...the swimming is not coming so easy. Unfortunately, this is the first event in the triathlon...so if you're coming to the race (and I would be honored if you did) NO, I am not having a seizure, this is just what I look like when I swim. If I make it out of the water, please cheer because I'm gonna need it! ALSO some others that are racing with me are my brothers Keegan and Kaleb and my most favorite cousin Heather! The best part of the race is the fact that lots of family will be present to cheer us on!

I'll be sure to let you know how it goes. My only goal for this race is to make it across the finish line outside of an ambulance. My standards are high.

Feelin' the love

Not that I don't feel loved the other 364 days of the year, but I was overwhelmed yesterday on Mothers Day. I am so lucky to be Sloan's mom! She is caring, compassionate, funny, creative, onery, independent, passionate, loving, and cute as hell! She made me a book, here are some questions that were asked and her answers:

1. what are mothers for-"to take care of me"
2. how do you help your mother?- "clean the car and help her do the dishes" (this is true she does love to load that dishwasher)
3. if you had $100 what would you buy your mother? -"cake and earrings" (i do have an abnormal love for cake)

then she wrote me a letter, the waterworks were on full force

"Dear Mom,
You are the best in the whole wide world. Thank you for taking care of me, for helping me with homework, for cooking me dinner, for buying clothes for me, for taking me to school, for giving me hugs and kisses. You are the greatest mom ever.
Love, Sloan"

Little does she know that 90% of that list is required by the state of Texas, but of course I am not going to tell her that!

The last page is a "diploma" for being the best mom ever. Its so funny to me that she feels this way because I am constantly thinking in my head, "kristen you've got to get yourself together", or "is this what other moms are doing", or "please let this just be a phase", "just keep swimming, just keep swimming", "its gotta get better". But for just a brief second in time all these thoughts went on pause and a sigh of relief went through my body. She has no clue that I'm thinking this, chalk one up for me!

All in all, I had the best mothers day ever! Breakfast in bed, dinner made, all my wants and needs met! So thank you to Kevin and Sloan for making Mothers Day wonderful and so very special!

To be better

Lately I have been thinking of ways to do better for myself, Sloan, Kevin, etc...
Its easy to get so wrapped in the day to day living, ignoring that little voice or neglecting your inner self. I am a huge believer in that if you take care of yourself, the changes and good things will trickle down to other aspects of your life and in turn make those things, the important things in your life (Sloan, Kevin, Family, work) better! However, I've really never applied it to my life. Why? oh who knows.... I've noticed that I have a hard time doing for myself without this weight of guilt or asking myself "do I deserve this"? I am working hard to retrain my mind, my inner self to just say "YES, you do"! Not to excess of course, but to the little things that don't even cost money, more like time. For example, I went to yoga this morning then for a wonderful run in the sun, nice cool breeze. To many, this might seem like a no-brainer but for me, it's an exercise for the soul. Not only to better me physically but mentally, emotionally.

So, how am I challenging myself to do better? I have a little helper, she is meeting with me (so far) once a month, but with weekly "check ins" and helping me come up with a work out plan, how to incorporate creative workout sessions with my work / life schedule and motivates me to meet my goals. Small steps of course. Its not all about the physical workouts, but also (for example) dressing outside my "box". For those who know me well, and see me on a regular basis, you are familiar with my wardrobe. Grey! I love it, its cozy, and very practical. It matches everything! In very small steps I am trying to add perhaps jewelry, embellishments....I got a very cute top at Kohl's this weekend that I wore out on a date with Kevin. It was grey, HOWEVER it did have some embellishments. Picture somewhere on here. I wore it with some dark jeans and some Vera Wang ballet flats. I even wore some makeup....look out world, here I come. I must admit, I did feel very pretty and we had fun just spending time with each other.

I will continue to share some of my journey...some parts are harder than others, but I am willing and able to take on the challenge to change, after all, it is for the better!

new favorite things

I love reading about what others favorite things are, it's like a sneak peak into their diary but with permission! Here are some of my recent favorites. All is well here in Waco, today was such a gorgeous day outside, windows were rolled down and coffee was enjoyed on a porch swing!

So here we go, in no random order!

1. TK100 North Face Fleece-1/2 zip pullover, I take it everywhere I go. Its great for chilly restaurants, theaters or just to lounge in at the house. Its 55$, one of the best investments I've made. With each wash, it gets softer and softer. Made in Philippines-for J'lyn

2. Bag Balm- I read about this product in a fashion magazine and Jessica Alba just couldn't live without it, and if she can't....neither can I. It can be found at your local drug emporium for roughly 6$. A little goes a LONG WAY. I use it on my lips, cuticles, feet and elbows. The smell is ok, but the moisturizing that occurs definitely outweighs the medicinal odor. Made in New Hampshire

3. Smart wool socks- talk about cozy, you'll never go back to cotton again. These socks not only give your dogs a nice gentle but firm hug all day long, but are super cute as well. They range from 14$-28$ depending on style. I know that sounds pricey but, well worth it! I'm pretty sure they are made down under

4. Camellia flower- never heard of this flower before reading a MUST READ,

The Elegance of the Hedgehog. It plays a small role in the book and I googled what this flower looked like and fell in love with its beauty. I might have to go to Lowes and see if they carry them, or at least the seeds.

5. Apron skirt from Old Navy in the color of "flax". There are an assortment of colors, but this one is most natural and pretty much matches everything! I wore it today actually with a baby blue shirt from American Apparel and a beige cardigan from The Gap with sanuks. I felt very comfortable and cute! Retails for $24.50 but will probably go on sale soon!

6. etsy.com- a great place to shop for unique, one of a kind hand made items. Lots of items from jewelry, photography, hair accessories (my favorite place to go), and more! Take a few minutes to explore and support the little guys!

7. The Elegance of the Hedgehog- I mentioned it above, one of the best books I have read in a long time. Its a fast read and guaranteed an assortment of emotions. It costs 14$ at Target or your local bookstore. I promise you'll love it!

8. Americano- On the mornings that I go to Starbucks before work for a special treat I always get the Americano. A venti Americano to be exact. For those who don't know what this is, its only espresso and water, that is it. Simple, raw, and delicious. No cream, no sugar just pure bliss. This drink takes control of so many senses...from the feel of the warm liquid hitting my mouth and my hands around the warm cup, to the taste of smooth, rich coffee and the smell of heaven. I dare you to try one!

for the love of nursing

I survived another 36 hour shift, it wasn't pretty but here I am alive to tell you a story. Parts are sad, parts are not. The best part about working 3 - 12 hour shifts in a row is continuity of care for the patients. On Friday I was assigned 6 patients, some were discharged only to be replaced with someone else but for the most part throughout the weekend I had a "core" 4 that I took care of for 3 days. One is a spanish speaking woman who has been in the hospital for almost 3 weeks with congestive heart failure. One thing that amazes me about the human body is how each organ is dependant on another to work, they all have symbiotic relationships with others. Not one can stand alone without another and the heart is no exception. The heart and lungs and kidneys are all best friends. If one is out of wack, the rest follow suite. Her husband is very attentive to all her needs, bathes her, cleans her after using the bathroom, combs her hair and reads to her. She doesn't have the strength to do these things herself anymore and his love for her extends beyond traditional roles you and I would think of. I commented to him that I admired his devotion to his wife and he teared up, this was the love of his life I was speaking of, how else was he to act? Their relationship definitely moved me and "refilled" my kenosis tank so to speak.

One of my other patients was a young man, came to me from the ICU after ingesting some pills in an attempt to take his life. He also acted out in other ways that I am not able to talk about. When I met him he was very confused as to what landed him in the hospital and scared. I was nervous about telling him what happened, but as a patient in the hospital, he has rights. He had a right to know what happened and the plan of care for the remainder of his stay. He was dumbfounded as to why he would do such a thing. (I admit I was too) One of the protocols that my hospital has as do others is that when a patients comes in after trying to commit suicide an "emergency detention order" is obtained so that the patient cannot leave on his own accord, if he/she so chooses to try the police are brought in. This is for the safety of the patient (they still may or may not be in their right mind-considering they just tried to kill themselves, this is likely) and for the safety of anyone that may be involved in the patients life (girlfriend/boyfriend, family,etc....) Anyways, another part of obtaining an EDO is that a room at a psych facility needs to be available for when the pt is medically cleared to be transferred. This is where we ran into a snag over the weekend. I could not get an EDO for my patient due to the fact that no beds were available within a 100mile radius. My patient is asking to leave, insisting on leaving and I am throwing all my tactics to stall at him I can, "the doctor needs to evaluate you before you go", "you don't have a ride", "you don't have clothes", " whats your plan after you leave"....all the while I am getting assistance from a nurse at the local psych. center on how I can legally keep this guy here. I am scared he will hurt himself again, he has said things to warrant this. So she tells me the phone number of the judge that can I can possibly get to write a warrant to keep him at the hospital...its a long shot, but of course I am going to try. I called him, and explained the situation, telling him that between me and another nurse we've called over 20 facilities in Texas to see about availability. He said he cannot legally sign the warrant but was willing to help me out and make phone calls to people in higher places....and guess what? At 6:30pm I spoke to a Hospital that was willing to take my patient and approval was being made as I was leaving. My physician was on board and as a team this kid is going to get the help he needs ( I HOPE!). As exhausted as I am today, I am just so thankful that we could find a place and people were willing to help this kid. He probably doesn't care that all these efforts were being made, he was more concerned that he was missing his girlfriend but I will sleep easy
knowing I did all I could, we did all we could.

Nursing is so much more than handing out pills, doing dressing changes, starting IV's and preforming wound care. It's the leg work, its going the extra mile to be the change, the catalyst for something better, something more. I am so honored to be a part of it all.

valentines day

The picture doesn't do these valentines day cards justice but these are the valentines that sloan will be handing out Friday. She choose 4 different prints of scrap booking paper that were love/valentines day related. She traced them and I cut them with pinking sheers. The white label in the center is also cut with pinking sheers and says:

"you make my heart glow"

taped to the back across the heart is a glow stick (thank you heather for letting me know you get them at target). Then we hot glued glitter hearts to the ends. I found this idea when I googled "creative valentines day cards". So many to choose from but Sloan decided that this one was "way cool". Yay, I am cool, at least for one more day. Hope everyone feels the love this valentines day, I know I do.

Hospice

The word "hospice" comes from the Latin "hospitium" meaning guesthouse. It was originally described a place of shelter for weary and sick travelers returning from religious pilgrimages.



I wanted to write something about hospice, it's such an important part of what I do and what I care about and want to be a part of during my nursing career. Hospice is not only comfort care and providing dignity to the patient it's serving, but to the family as well. Its a support system, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and so much more. (not to mention its non for profit)

Recently, I was privileged to take care of a patient who was "healthy" for his standards. He had significant heart disease but was living at the highest quality he had. He came down with pneumonia and just succumbed the battle. After careful thought, the family decided to put him on hospice. I am always careful to show my enthusiasm for the choice of hospice, I know the benefits and all that hospice has to offer but for many families and patients even they only think "I'm dying, and soon.". The prerequisite for hospice care is less than 6 months to live after being diagnosed with an incurable disease. I have seen many people on hospice for more than 6 months though.

This gentleman lived for 4 days on hospice. He was comfortable, was provided quality care ( at least by me) and was given dignity, even after his last breath. At the time of his passing, his breathing changed from agonal to almost peaceful. His face, relaxed and content. His family was present and I truely believe that he knew they were all there. There is empirical evidence that states that hearing is the last sense to go before death. Often the patient will not acknowledge that they hear due to not having the ability but they hear the memories shared by the family, the "i love you's", the "i'm sorry's", the "its okay to go's". Sometimes that is all the patient needs to hear, permission to go.

The hardest part, that I wasn't expecting was calling the death. You auscultate for breath sounds, feel for a pulse in strategic locations and then note the time. You let the family grieve and they will, give them time to absorb what happened. As I left the room with tears in my eyes I realized what an amazing job I have. Its not the most glamorous part of the job, not my most favorite part of the job but it is amazing. Amazing in the sense that I am a part of someones last breath, last heart beat, last goodbye. Honored.

I know I will not remember each death, although I really do try to take in all the emotions and feelings that I have, to honor the death.

Kenosis

Having worked in some sort of a medical setting for the last 4 years has let me experience moments of hopefulness and heartache. I've been privileged to be with families as their loved ones passed on, and I've been involved with codes that have ended up with the patient going home a few days later. You just never know what you're going to get when you start your shift. That is the beauty of being a nurse. Although I've just started this journey, I feel that I have been so blessed to have a few of these experiences under my belt to grow from. In the spirit of "kenosis"-to empty oneself, I thought I should share some of my goals as a nurse. I want to be able to give everything I have in order to "be there" for those in need. This is many layers deep, you can give your time (12 hour shift), you can give your knowledge (nursing school), you can give your voice (advocacy). This is just a start. But giving more means 2 things, you get more in return ( joy, feelings of satisfaction, even frustration) and being prepared to be hurt. People die, some people just don't want your help, and even more amazing, some people are not thankful. But this must not discourage you, and that is the hardest part. I have cried at work more than probably anyone in the history of employment at Providence. The nurses know, most of the physicians know about my "heart on the sleeve" life I live. Its almost a running joke, but that is okay, if you don't laugh about it, you'll cry! I hope I never get to a point in my career where I am not affected by a death or a "lost soul" on some level.

Hopefully, I'll have more time to update this blog and let you all in on how my journey through kenosis is going. I am scared, I am nervous but am ready to see where it goes.